Rochelle critique

The opening paragraph, Rochelle starts telling a hypothetical story. From this, I as a reader think this is either a hook for amusement parks, or Cedar Point. The problem with this is she does more opinion of spending time at Cedar Point.

“Cedar Point is the best amusement park in Ohio and I have been to a lot of amusement parks.” She tries to sell herself as an amusement park expert and sets herself up to talk about how great Cedar Point is. The rest of the paragraph however talks about where Cedar Point is located.

Principle four of Joseph M. Williams Style Toward Clarity and Grace says “A reader will feel that a paragraph is coherent if she can read a sentence that specifically articulates its point.” The paragraph does not do this. She starts saying Cedar Point is the best amusement park, and then tells where it is. Then goes to say it’s in Sandusky Ohio, on Lake Eerie, and even says the breeze off Lake Eerie is great when at the park. I don’t think anyone can put all the things she put in that paragraph under one topic. When talking location, I could care less about breezes off a lake or that Cedar Point is considered by Rochelle the best amusement park in Ohio.