Rochelle critique

The opening paragraph, Rochelle starts telling a hypothetical story. From this, I as a reader think this is either a hook for amusement parks, or Cedar Point. The problem with this is she does more opinion of spending time at Cedar Point.

“Cedar Point is the best amusement park in Ohio and I have been to a lot of amusement parks.” She tries to sell herself as an amusement park expert and sets herself up to talk about how great Cedar Point is. The rest of the paragraph however talks about where Cedar Point is located.

Principle four of Joseph M. Williams Style Toward Clarity and Grace says “A reader will feel that a paragraph is coherent if she can read a sentence that specifically articulates its point.” The paragraph does not do this. She starts saying Cedar Point is the best amusement park, and then tells where it is. Then goes to say it’s in Sandusky Ohio, on Lake Eerie, and even says the breeze off Lake Eerie is great when at the park. I don’t think anyone can put all the things she put in that paragraph under one topic. When talking location, I could care less about breezes off a lake or that Cedar Point is considered by Rochelle the best amusement park in Ohio.

Style

“Style: Toward Clarity and Grace” by Joseph M. Williams explains many problems people have with writing. One being coherence, which is something I have trouble with.

"In the scene when Chief Whitlock is racing out of the hotel to avoid being caught once out the door he ditches the case of money he just retrieved in a dumpster. Then quickly reaches for his badge and tells the hotel security chasing him the guy they are after is still inside and that he’ll take the back and they should go upstairs. Good thing the hotel security don’t really know who they’re chasing. There is a lot going on in this scene. So here it is broken down."

This is a paragraph from a scene analysis paper I did in the English 200 class I took at Schoolcraft College. It doesn’t really have coherence. When revising the paragraph, I had to keep revising my revision because I wasn’t saying what I had even meant to say; I was saying what I interpreted from the original paragraph. One sentence made me cringe before I revised the paragraph. “Good thing the hotel security don’t really know who they’re chasing.” It is the word don’t, it doesn’t sound right.

"In the scene, Chief Whitlock dumps the case of money in a dumpster. He turns around, grabs his badge, shows it to the hotel security, and says the guy is still inside; he’ll take the back and they should go upstairs. Good thing the hotel security didn’t know who they were chasing. Following is the breakdown of the scene."

With the revision, I tried to talk more in the active voice and make it more coherent. The original, I felt was kind of choppy, and I wasn’t clearly stating what I meant. I have been told the majority of people think logically, and I didn’t put the scene in logical, chronological, order. In the revision, I take the reader through the scene step by step, rather than a jumbled mess. I also avoided starting a sentence with so in the revision.

Strunk and White comments

I think Strunk and White’s Elements of Style is great for me as a student, and as a writer, because it clarifies a lot of the rules I've already heard, plus adds a few new rules that will improve my writing.

I found rule number 17 “omit needless words” (Strunk, White. 23-24) helpful. This is helpful to me because I tend to ramble and insert unnecessary words. I’m always being told to be more concise. My problem with the rule, is I often have trouble finding the unnecessary words. Or if I find the unnecessary words, I will have trouble rephrasing the sentence to get rid of the extra words. But after reading the description under the rule, I think I understand what to look for and how to rephrase the sentence better than before.

Rule 15 “Put statements in positive form.” (Strunk, White. 19) I can see being helpful to me. In a journalism course I took, I was told to never write ‘not guilty’ or ‘not innocent’ just in case a typo happens and it is printed ‘guilty’ when the person is really innocent. Printing something like that would be a big mistake. Another reason why this rule is a good rule is because it gets rid of unnecessary words like the example used on page 19, “He was not very often on time,” and the positive “He usually came late.” The negative is seven words and the positive is only four words. So putting sentences in positive form can also help get rid of needless words.

What Strunk and White had to say about headings, I found unhelpful. “Headings. If a manuscript is to be submitted for publication, leave plenty of space at the top of page 1. The editor will need this space to write directions to the compositor. Place the heading, or title, at least a fourth of the way down the page. Leave a blank line, or its equivalent in space, after the heading. On succeeding pages, begin near the top, but not so near as to give a crowded appearance. Omit the period after a title or heading. A question mark or an exclamation point may be used if the heading calls for it.” (Strunk, White. 34) I find this unhelpful because when submitting a manuscript for publication, I have always been told to put in your title one-third down the page, not a quarter of the way down. At the top of the first page, on the left side, you put your contact information, on the right side, you put the total word count, the rights being offered for sale, and your copyright notice. On the following pages, all that is at the top is the author’s last name, a dash, and the page number. All the pages are double spaced, with one inch margins on all sides. It is in these spaces that the editor will write any comments about the manuscript, which unless accepted, will never reach the author, because publications don’t return rejected manuscripts.

Introduction

My name is Sarah Bammel. I am a professional writing major at Eastern Michigan University, in my junior year. I have been writing stories and poems ever since I learned how to write.

I have taken many writing courses in my college career, and I was a writing tutor during my second year at Schoolcraft Community College. I have a hard time sticking to facts, without trying to appeal to people and make them really think about the subject I’m writing about.

I have a writing style that touches the emotions, or at least tries to touch the emotions. My goal as a writer is to inspire people to be themselves, and achieve great things. I’m always trying to be fancy with my writing and use metaphors and similes whenever possible. I feel this helps appeal to people’s emotions, and make them want to dig further on the subject, if I can relate it to something they know or feel. This is why I have a hard time sticking to facts. The metaphors in my writing would not be considered fact.